What If Aliens Are Among Us?
by Jason Heilpern on March 21, 2012 at 01:00 PM EDT

By shifting our perspective to that of an outsider, we can make a more honest assessment of the facts of the human race.  So with me today I give you an interview I recently did with a real life alien named Chad.  He came to Earth to study us as human beings, and see the way we live.  His findings are interesting to say the least.

Me: Chad its a pleasure to have you here with us today, and all the way from the planet Xeno 4327.  I hope your trip was enjoyable?

Chad: Oh yes I always enjoy visiting the Milky Way.  Thank you so much for having me!

Me: So Chad after studying our planet and its people what is your overall opinion of the future of the human race?

Chad: Well I am afraid Jason that the overall conclusions I came up with are not very promising.  To be honest I am extremely baffled by human behavior and simply can find no rational explanation for even half of your activities and behaviors.

Me: Oh well…ummmm…that does not sound good at all.  I must confess I am a bit taken a back.  I mean I know we have our problems.  What planet doesn’t, but I didn’t know it was that bad.  Could you give me an example or expound further on your findings?

Chad: Well Jason, take sleep for example.  Humans NEED sleep to survive.  Without it you cant function, heal correctly, or even use higher brain functions.  This knowledge is well known to your species and even taught to you from a young age in your education buildings.  But even with that knowledge Humans stay up far into the night watching TV, and wake up early to go to work.  You hear people claim they “only” need 6 hours of sleep to function, or say things like “I didn’t get much sleep last night”.  Your routines are erratic and undisciplined, which simply put, does not allow you to get the rest your body desperately needs!

Me: You know Chad its funny you mention sleep.  I just posted on that VERY subject last week. What else can you tell us about your observations?

Chad: Well, I simply dont understand your eating habits. On other worlds one would NEVER eat something that was not good for them. Yet on your planet your species seem to thrive on ingesting poisonous food, chemicals and liquids into your body that cause MASSIVE amounts of harm to both themselves and those around them. No other animal on the planet seem to follow this practice. In fact the other animals on your planet only consume quality fresh food. I can find no reason for why you put garbage into your bodies.

Me: Yes we do seem to have a problem with eating clean and healthy, but certainly you MUST have found SOMETHING good about our species?

Chad: While I think your species has great potential I simply dont see you using that potential as a whole. For example you all have legs. Important appendages that you hardly use. You have cars, planes, and trains that take you vast distances, you spend huge amounts of money paying for such transportation, but as far as I can see your legs are free. In a world where many people complain about money, your whole society is built around not using your legs.

Me: (Looks sheepishly around the room noticing that we are sitting down) Well I guess you do have a point there Chad it does seem a bit silly doesn’t it. Well do you have any advice on how we can fix these problems?

Chad: Set a sleep schedule and stick to it. Cook healthy meals for the entire week so you have something to grab in a pinch. Find a goal to work toward with your fitness and tell everyone about it so you can’t slack.

Me: Sounds so simple. I cant believe more of us have not thought of that already.

Chad: Many of you have, but the truth is not enough, and the WORST part is its starting to affect your young.  More than one-third of your children and adolescents in the are overweight or obese—and the rate has more than tripled in the past 30 years.

Me: Yes I have noticed a lot of very fat children lately.

Chad: Many of you make excuses how working out and eating right are two hard.  If your species is going to survive the excuses MUST be put away.  You need to rebuild your society to promote fitness and good eating.  If you dont your species will die.

Me: Well Chad you certainly have given us a lot to think about.  Thank you again for coming and I hope you have a pleasant journey home!

Chad: Thank you again for having me it was a pleasure!

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